mr. door

I wish i could be filling this post with lots of laughs and joyful acclamations but this is not the case. So it seems that yet again i'm not getting that summer job that i had hoped for(so there may still be a little hope left but.. ). that engineering experience to help me move on to the next step in "my plan". i guess God really just wants my future to be a mystery. I wish i liked mysteries...I once thought i did like when i would watch mysteries in history on the history channel or read agatha christie or nancy drew books. I guess when the mystery is your own life things are a little different. I know that the truth is that everything i ever need to know has already been revealed to me through God's word but at the same time i can't help but to feel some anguish. Is is wrong for me to want so badly to see what God's plan for my life is? To have everything well at least the highlights like career, husband, family revealed to me. why does this always happen to me... im at what seems to be the next door and yes it is true that i have been neglecting the beauty of the door all along.. but now NOW i really want to open it. My eyes are set on this door. Thus is the case with my major. I've thought about changing you countless hours even days and yet every time i had looked at it. i was convinced to keep going. my heart convinced me. But now it seems like the door has been locked and i don't own the key. I so desire to open you mr. door. to see what you have to offer me. just give me a chance. if i don't like you i promise to leave. Show me that i can find joy in you and give God glory through you and i will be eternally grateful. Would you God open the door me? it's getting cold outside and i'm getting weary. How long must i ring your bell before you will hear me?

Always..Sometimes..Never

I ALWAYS

+ want to travel

+ intimidate myself

+ will love the rain

+ am up for eating taco bell

+ will use an apple computer

+ pray

+ will be a blonde

+ choose serious over quirky

+wish i could just be a kid again

I SOMETIMES

+ worry i will loose someone dear to me

+ loose my temper..

+ spend way too much money

+ dance when no one is watching

+ secretly wish i was studying design or art not engineering

+ wish i was married now

+really want a tattoo

+wish i could have a mustache for a day

I NEVER

+ like being late.

+ want to be childless

+ want to have regrets

+ want to loose sight of Him

+ want to grow old alone

a page of thoughts on display

I've been lost for what to write for a while now on my blog. i think there is a fine line between writing something easy going and fun and something that still makes you, the reader think about your life retrospectively. I wish everything that i thought could be put into a book, a sort of concordance of my thoughts. it's true that there would be some thoughts that i'm ashamed of or embarrassed of. I think though my thoughts would carry a lot of weight with people. I think people would see a lot of themselves in me. If everyone had a sort of reference of their life perhaps they wouldn't make the same mistakes again.. they wouldn't try to solve their problems in the same ways... they would be less ordinary and more extraordinary. What would your pages be filled with? I think my pages would be filled with dreams...
my pages would be filled with images of whole communities loving each other...families celebrating around the dinner table...children smiling from ear to ear....lives being saved... christ being worshiped in every nation... blonde haired babies ....traveling the world... cotton candy colored ponies... beautiful expressions of art... finally figuring out that engineering problem... couples loving each other unconditionally.. answers to the hard questions of life... These are the things that i think about plus of course many others. I guess what i'm trying to say is our your thoughts worthy? worth your time and energy? are you dwelling on things that are meaningless on the scope of your life? ya i know cotton candy colored ponies shouldn't be at the top of the list but all the same...God gave you a mind... use it for his glory and praise and don't be ashamed of it. Don't be a broken light bulb...

Philippians 4:8 
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Cathedral Made of People

There are few things in life that we desire more than knowing who we are. What is our identity? Our identity is what gives us the guidelines to make choices each and everyday. Whether you are an introvert, extrovert, or somewhere in between.. my guess is that you have sought outward sources to define who you are. maybe it's your parents that contribute to your identity or your friends or perhaps to you your job defines who you are. maybe it's the good acts that define you or perhaps it is even the unfortunate circumstances that you have experienced in life that in your opinion explain you...I too often forget my true identity or even how i found it. I often try to redefine who i am based on my circumstances.I need to remember... I've found my identity in Christ... what do i mean by this you may ask? I'm a relational being that seeks the most perfect and fulfilling relationship of all... A relationship with God. Genesis 1:27 says that we were made in God's image. So where does the cathedral made of people come in ( catchy title i know)?

1 Corinthians 3:16-17 says " Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?" If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple."

you see the church or the community of believers is the temple of God. We are the house. where God's spirit lives inside and nothing ever can stand against us. This is your identity. you belong to the body of Christ as long as you have put your trust in him. You are part of the most beautiful cathedral. one built only by God. One that is used to showcase God's glory. There is hope in knowing that no matter your present state you are a part of something.. the most wonderful thing. you are part of a cathedral made of people built by God.

Neglecting the things of value

Often times i think im neglecting the true things of value. Today for instance yes i went to church and i also completed the homework that is due tomorrow but beyond that little was done. I feel like im losing it... sometimes i can pass hours like nobody's business doing things of little to no value. Today i should have spent the day preparing for the week ahead. I should have read for my gender studies class.. i should have calculated the much needed specific speed values for my heart-lung pump machine im designing... i should have done my research project on alcohol advertisements... i should have looked over the two labs that i have this week...i should have studied for my viva quiz on wednesday... i should have wrote those professors about undergraduate research... there are so many i should haves...

Instead i just relaxed... i just took a nap.. i just watched some glee... oh well.. there is always tomorrow. Procrastination is becoming my middle name.. let the week of craziness begin. in full force.

"Cast all your cares on the Lord and he will SUSTAIN you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

Fingers Crossed

It seems to be the time of crossing fingers.... crossing fingers in hopes that the best will result from it. today marks the day that i finally built up enough courage to email my professor about possibly doing undergraduate research for him this summer. fingers crossed he lets me. Besides this i have been studying non-stop well kinda, everyone needs the occasional facebook or email check, for my midterm in chemical reactor design. the weird part is i have kinda enjoyed it. This has happened to me in the past but usually when this happens a epic test failure follows. Don't ask me why.. i have no idea. so fingers crossed i ace this exam this saturday. What else are my fingers crossed for? well i just completed the most amazing four year plan of study sheet with all the classes that i have taken and still plan on taking in preparation for registration. Not only can i graduate in four years, well with one online summer class at least, but i can probably still get my biology minor in there as well. The problem is that i need to somehow get this crazy genetics class im taking here in singapore to count as a class back at isu. fingers crossed my minor is approved.. So many reasons to cross the fingers.. thank God that he answers prayers and fingers crossed everyday. 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." psalm 37:4

Differential Analysis Anyone?

Tonight i am feeling especially uncomfortable... I could just be the fact that although the sun is nowhere in sight due to the fact that it is nearly 9pm... I still stagnant in my room. It seems as though a haze of heat has encompassed my room although upon walking outside there is a slight breeze. I'm under the impression that this is my dungeon of torture as i sit here and study for a midterm in my chemical reactor class that i have on saturday morning. I don't know what is more disappointing the fact that my exam is on saturday or the fact that i have no idea what i'm doing in the class. the little motivation that i have is only due to the fact that beyond studying there is essentially nothing to do except blog which is what i'm doing right now simply so that i stop getting distracted and get back on task of learning more about the analysis of chemical reaction rate data in terms of differential analysis..O BOY, i can hardly contain my excitement. I've heard that this class is in many ways the pinnacle of my core curriculum. I'm under the impression now that this is entirely untrue. It seems very lame to me that i'm expected to do all this differential analysis when in fact in the real world experimental trials are actually the true basis of design. On a good note, all this talking about this has encouraged me to know that perhaps i do more about what i'm learning then i had otherwise guessed. guess that means that this much needed break is warranted.....so in order to not continue rambling about this class i move on to something much more interesting....
how about i give you a different kind of differential analysis. a differential analysis of my life here in singapore. The term differential refers to a form of change for all you people out there that may be lost or at least never taken calculus before. SO with that being said how has my life changed since deplaning on the red speck according to the world map. Well frankly not much. The monotony of going to class is still the same as it was at iowa state, eating still often feels more like a chore in between studying and going here and there(blame it on the nasty dorm food), iowa state still continues to send me pointless emails( which are even more pointless now seeing as how i'm half way across the world), and a good latte still cost 4 dollars. Some things have change though... like the fact that instead of dreading waking each morning to enter into a wintery mix while heading to the bus stop, i now walk comfortably in shorts and sandals to my class unless of course it was unfortunately raining that day. Beyond that a four dollar latte is all the more enjoyable due to the fact that i can't just casually stroll to the nearest cafe to obtain it like i could on the iowa state campus. Instead a feeling of jubilation occurs when i think about having the time to walk to the nice cafe to drink a cup and study or read my Bible, the latter option being far more enjoyable and often the highlight of the day. The only thing that would make those days all the better would be if my study buddy miss valerie allen or any of my iowa roommates could join me in this act of celebration. Reflecting now. it seems that the amount of change that has occurred is ever so slight. Perhaps each day really is just a repetition of something very similar the day or year before. As i sit here i'm reminded of what is felt like to being living in the dorms in ames on a school night. It really is one of those nights... one of those nights where you wish that your roommate would put down her studying and just chat with you or do something even more adventurous like make a mario cart movie in the hallway or funny faces using photobooth on your macbook. But tonight the idea of this is even comical considering as i walk down a hallway all that can be heard is the beeping noise of the laundry machine, the typing of a girl working on some sort of paper, and beyond that perhaps the fate sounds of music that people listen to as they study for midterms. Occasionally there is a laugh or a scream or even the sound of the band on an evening but in general the dorm and campus is quiet... that is until the library closes.