self-sacrifice

its the holiday season which brings me to the point where i consider all the many things that i have been blessed with such as the new mac book pro i am currently using and my nice pillow top queen bed that i am also sitting on. I have been blessed so greatly yet i don't live a life completely full of sacrifice like christ did so i deserve none of this. Each year we celebrate christmas as the day that our Lord Jesus Christ was born and i am reminded of the life that he lead and the ultimate sacrifice he was. Jesus died for me so that i may live and also enjoy living. This is not a mere statement but so much more. It is this very truth that gives me purpose in my life. My purpose is to live a life that glorifies him and God. What better way to do this then living a life of self-sacrfice. How does one lead a life of self-sacrifice is a tricky question to answer. although simple ( you just give up everything to God) it's the greatest feat and task of our lives. Being broke i find my greatest mode of self-sacrifice is giving up my time and using it to glorify God by investing in other people and also by doing the hard and painful things in life. There are still many things to learn but God will provide everything i need when i do lay everything at his feet.

Living an Unfair Life

As first glance, my life seems unfair. I live each day hoping for something and each day it seems to always fall short. why ? what causes this? is it my decisions or is it God? Is God ultimately just choosing to not make me happy? That seems silly why would a God so loving choose to not bless me? One of the most asked questions to theologians is why does God cause pain to his children? It seems unfair. we expect a life filled with little suffering upon choosing to follow Him, but this never is the case. But I've often felt closest to God in the darkest deepest trials of my life. Like when a friend died or when my relationships with friends and family where just falling apart. I guess it is because I have realized in those moments that the only person that i can count on or hope in is God. it seems so uncomplicated and i think that is because it is. God made me an emotional being just like everyone else and that is why when hard times come, there is always emotion. Anger. Sorrow. Fear. Joy. all are present in my life. It is what i do with these emotions. I can't just let them lead me from one part of my day to the next. I must harness them and rely on God. Although emotions are God given, they are so dangerous to me in my life. emotions often make us feel insecure and insignificant or even feel us up with ungodly things such as pride or bitterness. We must take a stand against our emotions and instead rely on God's truth and promises. God has promised me so much already like :

1. he will meet my needs Philippians 4:19

2. he works al things together for good Romans 8:28

3. he will comfort me in times of suffering Matthew 11:28

4. he will guide me on where i should go Psalm 32:8

5. My joy is made complete through him John 15:11

6. I can find peace in him John 14:27

7. He will teach me his ways Isaiah 2:3

8. he will never leave me nor forsake me Hebrews 13:5

The powers that God are endless. God is just and suffering will always be there. It is God's mechanism to make us strong like it says in Roman 5:3-5 " Not only so but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the holy spirit whom he has given us."

Break me Father so that i may better know who you are and rely more completely on you...

Reckless and abandoned

Reckless and abandoned... probably the last things you would like to identify yourself with. however, there is so much more meaning to these words in my life. i am a woman that has recklessly abandoned myself to Christ Jesus. And by that i mean, i have given my life completely to him and that i seek satisfaction only through him. What does that mean for my life? how can i truly be satisfied only in him? well that''s something im still figuring out. This idea is not a new one to me in any way. Colossians 2:10 says "and you have been given fullness in Christ.." It's so clear that this is the case each and everyday of my life. I can't even begin to imagine my life much less a day without God. what would it look like what would i think about.. would i ever think about anything good. i think it would be hard to based on that the everything i would feel, think, or do would be to satisfy myself. I can't help but think about how my life will change and what the future holds for me, but at the same time, im not purely thinking about myself. instead, i have dreams of changing others lives. i think people often overlook what God sees and think instead only about what others are seeing. i now i do. Only God knows the desires of my heart. only God can judge me for who i really am. the weird part is that he doesn't instead he forgives me and chooses to use me for his Glory. My God is most certainly an awesome God. God i break my alabaster box at your feet. use me. i am recklessly abandoned to you...

Why is so hard to just be normal sometimes. i don't know why i am constantly second guessing myself and feeling awkward on the inside. The problem with this is that i am normal. I can easily act normal but i still feel weird. Gah its so annoying. it has just been one of those days. One of those days, where i just want to be alone and just watch meaningless television shows or talk to my mom. I just feel weird. I feel a load of stress on my shoulders that i just can't understand. yeah, i have a huge exam next week and ya i have crap to do this weekend that will be less than enjoyable. But its a friday night and i don't have to think about any of that until tomorrow. I could easily enjoy tonight, but at the same time, i can't. It's like forcing myself to enjoy something. I just want to feel good on the inside. I want to stop feeling like i'm faking it...

Have you ever felt like you are just running in circles? sometimes i feel like everything is just so pointless. Like why should i bother going to organic chemistry when all im going to do is listen to some old guy ramble about mechanisms and synthesis or why should i try so hard to desperately do well in my classes. Where does all the motivation to get up each day and continue come from? it seems like all im ever actually doing to going back to where i started, running in circles. Then it's in the mere second of reflection that i see my purpose. Although each day starts out very much the same and each day holds many of the same routines, each second is another second to grow in, learn about, and love the Lord. Each organic

chemistry class is a look at He the marvelous creator. An orchid, for instance, has the ability to produce a olefin that attracts bumble bees which thus pollinate the orchids. Or another class, i learned about flow rates of reactor systems. What's the big deal you ask? well if you like the taste and smell of your fruity pebbles in the morning you will wise up. Without knowledge in this area you wouldn't have your fruity pebbles or your coco puffs. Thank you person with knowledge of reactor systems and flow analysis. You see each day although i step into practically the same rooms on campus and my teachers are wearing one of what seems like 3 shirts they own, i can appreciate that even the ordinary can be extraordinary. The fact that i've been given the capacity to think and learn is extraordinary. The fact that i can feel rain or the wind. The fact that i can talk and sing. The fact that i can see the beauty all around me. the shining sun and blue sky. my goldfish or my morphing tadpole. ALL of These Are EXTRAORDINARY.