Breath of Air

Umm God is good. This week i just have been reminded so much of the Love that He shows towards me. The feelings of hopelessness have subsided and a much needed break from all things engineering occurred this weekend. I know that doubting your major is not an uncommon occurrence yet i still urks me. But after talking it out it has become clear to me that chemical engineering can bring me to the end that i desire. i can do what I've always seen myself doing helping people and serving them and showing them God's love. so ya i want to be an internal medicine doctor or develop pharmaceutical drugs, and i can. even if i don't God will provide me with something even more lovely. And on the other realm God has just reminded me of the fact that he see's me more righteous than i even see myself and that he will ALWAYS have my best interests at heart. I feel so satisfied in Him. I've finally had an opportunity to breathe so that i could re-center. God's love is so immense and beautiful.

A New Passion- the Crossword puzzle

I have always admired my grandmother for her crossword puzzle solving skills and this semester in particular i have taken it upon myself to become a master of the art of solving them. Lucky for me that i have a crossword at my ready each day due to the iowa state daily newspaper. i find that except for the opinion articles it is often the only interesting part of the paper. i'm quite certain that a substantial amount of students only pick it up for the crossword or the sudoku. Anyways, since doing the crosswords i have learned various things that i thought i would share with you.

#1 an aster is a fall flower

#2 Hop along cassidy is a cowboy

#3 Shahs are persian rulers

#4 Eos is the dawn goddess

#5 Another word for hankerings is yens

#6 a galoot is a clumsy or oafish person

#7 A dashiki is a loose african garment

I find that sometimes the crossword is just the challenge i need and also that its more entertaining than many of the monotone professors. So during your next class, put down our phone and instead pull out the crossword puzzle, you will learn a lot and also find a great deal of entertainment. Best wishes!

A deeper side of me

I was recently just thinking about who i am , how i portray myself , how i want to be viewed.

So i half crazy and half the most serious person you will ever know. seems illogical but anyone who truly knows me would agree. so i have a light switch one that i can turn on and off.

Here's how a day goes in my life ( a typical monday) :

wake up, shower(or not), get dressed, go out the door to class.

Show up at my 9 am class and listen to thermod

ynamics and math garbage and stare at the people who are falling asleep and also the kid that looks exactly like my professor( see right ) and has the same mannerisms as my professor. I think it may be his son or nephew, it's just that creepy. by this time i've most likely had coffee and my hands are now shaking and will until I eat lunch.

I then head to the molecular biology building and the hear about ATP, membranes, photosynthesis, enzymes and things like glycolysis and oxidative phosphorylation(see photo) yep that's right sounds

exciting unfortunately it's really not. I often look around at the 100 freshman or more that are in the class with me and wonder. why am i here? But then i remember that i like biology to some extent and that it should be easy A if i try.

Next i enter durham and then go to Chemical engineering 356. The class of true champions. well my teac

her is something to be "desired". his n's look like s's and it once took me a whole minute to decipher the word "inertial". I usually spend the majority of the time listening to him while still managing to work on the daily crossword puzzle. Safe to say that the crossword is

more interesting and i has probably taught me more useful knowledge then the class itself. All the same i still enjoy the class because i mean who doesn't love the alluring of learning about pipe flow and fluid mechanics. The text book is from a quarter century ago and has a poop brown cover. it's pretty cool.

SO LUNCH udcc style most days. we eat. we laugh. we commune together.

Differential equations to follow lunch is sometimes the highlight of the day. i think my

teacher is a spy. She has all that's required of a

spy. she is from china. she likes math. she is sometimes really feisty. i mean seriously look at this picture --->

All the same, i enjoy her. she says the most ridiculous things, things that only someone who is asian would say. Also there is this girl in my class that i routinely get a kick out of. whenever we pass the attendance sheet to the front of the class and it get's to her all she needs to do is tap the person in front of her and pass it. instead of just passing it up, she gets super self conscious and makes this funny face and places it on the desk next to her and then carries it up to jun pan (my professor) after class. i don't know why this is so amusing but it is.

The final class of the day is physics but i really don't care about talking about it. it's depressing to say the least and not the highlight of my week.

AHH the feeling of going home. what a joyous feeling to head back to my dorm. this is where the true fun occurs like making a mario cart video in my hallway, looking at my fish

(mike f livingston), writing in my vade and drinking tea, embracing my natural born unicorn character. Anything and Everything.

SO that is the life of me in a single monday. so normal yet so amazing. I have that switch that every person should have. i know how to have fun but im still a hard worker and very good at managing my time. you should be glad to know me. i can carry an intelligent conversation yet im a blast to be around, just ask my roommate steffi.

Idols and my holy ambition

I'm so sick of being distracted. Being distracted by this world and the things it tells me that i must desire and work towards. Yes a great deal of these distractions are satisfying for the time being but looking back ever once and a while i see that they have not only been pointless but they have actually made me hate a great deal of who i am. I want one thing and that is to discover my holy ambition and by this i mean the path of which God has for me and the confidence in this path. I have no idea if the path that currently comes to mind is even half right but i do know that my ears are listening and my eyes are open and most importantly my mind is clear and ready for God to show me what my ambition should be. Im so tired of falling away. the Truth of the matter is that ive been distracted by school, my relationships, and my own goals. Sometimes there is too much sacrifice and then other times I'm selfish in these areas of my life. Today is the day to change this. The direction that i go is to let God have complete control of my life and to do everything for his glory. Its time to aspire to be a christian hedonist that i believe will bring me the truest kind of joy possible. I have to commit to this so that i can become the woman of God i must be. I cast all of my idols away knowing that it is the only way to succeed and to love God the way i want. Only when i do this can i find my holy ambition...

self-sacrifice

its the holiday season which brings me to the point where i consider all the many things that i have been blessed with such as the new mac book pro i am currently using and my nice pillow top queen bed that i am also sitting on. I have been blessed so greatly yet i don't live a life completely full of sacrifice like christ did so i deserve none of this. Each year we celebrate christmas as the day that our Lord Jesus Christ was born and i am reminded of the life that he lead and the ultimate sacrifice he was. Jesus died for me so that i may live and also enjoy living. This is not a mere statement but so much more. It is this very truth that gives me purpose in my life. My purpose is to live a life that glorifies him and God. What better way to do this then living a life of self-sacrfice. How does one lead a life of self-sacrifice is a tricky question to answer. although simple ( you just give up everything to God) it's the greatest feat and task of our lives. Being broke i find my greatest mode of self-sacrifice is giving up my time and using it to glorify God by investing in other people and also by doing the hard and painful things in life. There are still many things to learn but God will provide everything i need when i do lay everything at his feet.

Living an Unfair Life

As first glance, my life seems unfair. I live each day hoping for something and each day it seems to always fall short. why ? what causes this? is it my decisions or is it God? Is God ultimately just choosing to not make me happy? That seems silly why would a God so loving choose to not bless me? One of the most asked questions to theologians is why does God cause pain to his children? It seems unfair. we expect a life filled with little suffering upon choosing to follow Him, but this never is the case. But I've often felt closest to God in the darkest deepest trials of my life. Like when a friend died or when my relationships with friends and family where just falling apart. I guess it is because I have realized in those moments that the only person that i can count on or hope in is God. it seems so uncomplicated and i think that is because it is. God made me an emotional being just like everyone else and that is why when hard times come, there is always emotion. Anger. Sorrow. Fear. Joy. all are present in my life. It is what i do with these emotions. I can't just let them lead me from one part of my day to the next. I must harness them and rely on God. Although emotions are God given, they are so dangerous to me in my life. emotions often make us feel insecure and insignificant or even feel us up with ungodly things such as pride or bitterness. We must take a stand against our emotions and instead rely on God's truth and promises. God has promised me so much already like :

1. he will meet my needs Philippians 4:19

2. he works al things together for good Romans 8:28

3. he will comfort me in times of suffering Matthew 11:28

4. he will guide me on where i should go Psalm 32:8

5. My joy is made complete through him John 15:11

6. I can find peace in him John 14:27

7. He will teach me his ways Isaiah 2:3

8. he will never leave me nor forsake me Hebrews 13:5

The powers that God are endless. God is just and suffering will always be there. It is God's mechanism to make us strong like it says in Roman 5:3-5 " Not only so but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the holy spirit whom he has given us."

Break me Father so that i may better know who you are and rely more completely on you...

Reckless and abandoned

Reckless and abandoned... probably the last things you would like to identify yourself with. however, there is so much more meaning to these words in my life. i am a woman that has recklessly abandoned myself to Christ Jesus. And by that i mean, i have given my life completely to him and that i seek satisfaction only through him. What does that mean for my life? how can i truly be satisfied only in him? well that''s something im still figuring out. This idea is not a new one to me in any way. Colossians 2:10 says "and you have been given fullness in Christ.." It's so clear that this is the case each and everyday of my life. I can't even begin to imagine my life much less a day without God. what would it look like what would i think about.. would i ever think about anything good. i think it would be hard to based on that the everything i would feel, think, or do would be to satisfy myself. I can't help but think about how my life will change and what the future holds for me, but at the same time, im not purely thinking about myself. instead, i have dreams of changing others lives. i think people often overlook what God sees and think instead only about what others are seeing. i now i do. Only God knows the desires of my heart. only God can judge me for who i really am. the weird part is that he doesn't instead he forgives me and chooses to use me for his Glory. My God is most certainly an awesome God. God i break my alabaster box at your feet. use me. i am recklessly abandoned to you...