Reckless and abandoned

Reckless and abandoned... probably the last things you would like to identify yourself with. however, there is so much more meaning to these words in my life. i am a woman that has recklessly abandoned myself to Christ Jesus. And by that i mean, i have given my life completely to him and that i seek satisfaction only through him. What does that mean for my life? how can i truly be satisfied only in him? well that''s something im still figuring out. This idea is not a new one to me in any way. Colossians 2:10 says "and you have been given fullness in Christ.." It's so clear that this is the case each and everyday of my life. I can't even begin to imagine my life much less a day without God. what would it look like what would i think about.. would i ever think about anything good. i think it would be hard to based on that the everything i would feel, think, or do would be to satisfy myself. I can't help but think about how my life will change and what the future holds for me, but at the same time, im not purely thinking about myself. instead, i have dreams of changing others lives. i think people often overlook what God sees and think instead only about what others are seeing. i now i do. Only God knows the desires of my heart. only God can judge me for who i really am. the weird part is that he doesn't instead he forgives me and chooses to use me for his Glory. My God is most certainly an awesome God. God i break my alabaster box at your feet. use me. i am recklessly abandoned to you...

Why is so hard to just be normal sometimes. i don't know why i am constantly second guessing myself and feeling awkward on the inside. The problem with this is that i am normal. I can easily act normal but i still feel weird. Gah its so annoying. it has just been one of those days. One of those days, where i just want to be alone and just watch meaningless television shows or talk to my mom. I just feel weird. I feel a load of stress on my shoulders that i just can't understand. yeah, i have a huge exam next week and ya i have crap to do this weekend that will be less than enjoyable. But its a friday night and i don't have to think about any of that until tomorrow. I could easily enjoy tonight, but at the same time, i can't. It's like forcing myself to enjoy something. I just want to feel good on the inside. I want to stop feeling like i'm faking it...

Have you ever felt like you are just running in circles? sometimes i feel like everything is just so pointless. Like why should i bother going to organic chemistry when all im going to do is listen to some old guy ramble about mechanisms and synthesis or why should i try so hard to desperately do well in my classes. Where does all the motivation to get up each day and continue come from? it seems like all im ever actually doing to going back to where i started, running in circles. Then it's in the mere second of reflection that i see my purpose. Although each day starts out very much the same and each day holds many of the same routines, each second is another second to grow in, learn about, and love the Lord. Each organic

chemistry class is a look at He the marvelous creator. An orchid, for instance, has the ability to produce a olefin that attracts bumble bees which thus pollinate the orchids. Or another class, i learned about flow rates of reactor systems. What's the big deal you ask? well if you like the taste and smell of your fruity pebbles in the morning you will wise up. Without knowledge in this area you wouldn't have your fruity pebbles or your coco puffs. Thank you person with knowledge of reactor systems and flow analysis. You see each day although i step into practically the same rooms on campus and my teachers are wearing one of what seems like 3 shirts they own, i can appreciate that even the ordinary can be extraordinary. The fact that i've been given the capacity to think and learn is extraordinary. The fact that i can feel rain or the wind. The fact that i can talk and sing. The fact that i can see the beauty all around me. the shining sun and blue sky. my goldfish or my morphing tadpole. ALL of These Are EXTRAORDINARY.