athazagoraphobia

I think i have a case of athazagoraphobia... its possible that i don't but time tells me i do. something about not being in school has left me feeling forgotten. I can't stay that i feel replaced just forgotten. As i sit at a cafe i wonder whether or not my professors even will recognize that im an engineering student especially since the normal person would presume me to be a design kid. I also have this strange longing to be in school right now to actually for once work on a problem that was a real solution unlike the crazy problems i have at work. For instance did you know that no one knows exactly what a wax is. Waxes are just some long chain lipids. that's only what the brightest people understand. i used to think that i wasn't cut out for engineering like in the real world i would just fail. found that not to be the case yet at the same time i yearn for something more. something more meaningful then just mass balances and free fatty acid extractions. It scares me to think that college is nearly at a close. a close to 4 years that were suppose to direct me for in mind at least the next 15 years. somehow though im more confused guess i should have been a veterinarian.. 


on another note. this time away from school has really given me time to invest in some people and also enjoy the day to day a little more. all the same im ready for summer and for people to get out of ames and enjoy one last ames summer..probably the last ever. 

Flying is nuts because God is awesome

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

A dirty cup

You are a cup. A cup that can be filled but only if you decide so. The analogy is that a human heart. Our desire to be filled with the water of life. The water that only comes from Christ. So often I feel like an empty dirty cup. Like recently...... The only thing that truly prevents Christ from filling our cup is sin in one of its many forms. Why is revival not here? it's because we live our lives as dirty cups and who wants to be a dirty empty cup? It is our refusal to die to self that makes us miserable. It is self that is envious, irritable, resentful, critical, worried, shy, unyielding, rude, self-conscious, reserved, and fearful. You might question whether being self-conscious, reserved and fearful are sins. Instead, you might believe them to be a part of life, a weakness or disability that even God makes us feel. If we don't regard them as sin then in fact they are something we will live with the rest of our lives with no hope for deliverance which seems contrary to what God wants. We need to ask for healing of these things in order to move on past ourselves and be purified by God. Imagine what our lives would look like if we were completely delivered from these things? These sins contribute to a source of unbelief. They hide our true identities. The identity that we are children of God. Christ doesn't fill cups of self-energy or self-conplacency. He doesn't fill self-seeking, self-indulgenant cups. What is comes down to is that we must learn to keep our cups clean. Cleaning does require anything more that a heart that yielded to God. With this Christ will continue to fill our cup to the point of it running over. And then peace of God will "rule in our hearts" (Colossians 3:15) So we must live our lives in brokenness. By brokenness or rather selflessness our lives can be purified daily and our heart can be clean so that God can truly do marvelous works in us.  I'm a dirty cup with a desire to be clean but as I learn to be broken my color starts to shine through. God teach me to be broken daily so that your glory and power are evident in my life. 

"Just as water ever seeks and fills the lowest place, so that moment God finds you abased and empty His glory and power flow in" -Andrew Murray 

extreme joy

Nothing says extreme joy like a crazy cute asian child and her equally funny camel. But really what brings you joy? I was thinking about this today as I came home from work. Naturally, the best thing during the summer is of course to put on that swimming suit and hit up the local pool. I also find joy in sitting and chatting with close friends, sharing secrets and laughing and crying together. The basics yet the ohh so necessary things.

Although i wish i could say that my life is completely and utterly filled with joy... thus is not the case. Reasons for this of course.. having knee surgery on thursday. getting a stye on my eye because i never change my contacts (ouch). or perhaps just not being able to somehow figure out how one tests shows 86% sugars in bio-oil while another shows 20%. I guess i just need to look on the bright side. It's summer... finally.

Dream and Little Dream with Who?

It seems to me that girls just always set ourselves up for heartache. I blame it on the stories that do seem to work out magically. Hollywood or whatever. Every girl has let themselves feel something for someone that they shouldn't or at least too strongly for someone. We always seem to "dream and little dream" with someone that ideally is a passing phase. This is not rare in the slightest. We accumulate so much baggage from allowing ourselves the pain and yet joy from these relationships or friendships whatever you might call them. The truth is that we can't stop and we won't just because the likelihood of the most perfect man showing up at your door and having an instant connection that leads to marriage is unreasonable to even consider. All the same, i'm convinced the purest love comes from waiting... waiting for the right one. so dream and little dream if you must but think about the repercussions. ok?

mr. door

I wish i could be filling this post with lots of laughs and joyful acclamations but this is not the case. So it seems that yet again i'm not getting that summer job that i had hoped for(so there may still be a little hope left but.. ). that engineering experience to help me move on to the next step in "my plan". i guess God really just wants my future to be a mystery. I wish i liked mysteries...I once thought i did like when i would watch mysteries in history on the history channel or read agatha christie or nancy drew books. I guess when the mystery is your own life things are a little different. I know that the truth is that everything i ever need to know has already been revealed to me through God's word but at the same time i can't help but to feel some anguish. Is is wrong for me to want so badly to see what God's plan for my life is? To have everything well at least the highlights like career, husband, family revealed to me. why does this always happen to me... im at what seems to be the next door and yes it is true that i have been neglecting the beauty of the door all along.. but now NOW i really want to open it. My eyes are set on this door. Thus is the case with my major. I've thought about changing you countless hours even days and yet every time i had looked at it. i was convinced to keep going. my heart convinced me. But now it seems like the door has been locked and i don't own the key. I so desire to open you mr. door. to see what you have to offer me. just give me a chance. if i don't like you i promise to leave. Show me that i can find joy in you and give God glory through you and i will be eternally grateful. Would you God open the door me? it's getting cold outside and i'm getting weary. How long must i ring your bell before you will hear me?

Always..Sometimes..Never

I ALWAYS

+ want to travel

+ intimidate myself

+ will love the rain

+ am up for eating taco bell

+ will use an apple computer

+ pray

+ will be a blonde

+ choose serious over quirky

+wish i could just be a kid again

I SOMETIMES

+ worry i will loose someone dear to me

+ loose my temper..

+ spend way too much money

+ dance when no one is watching

+ secretly wish i was studying design or art not engineering

+ wish i was married now

+really want a tattoo

+wish i could have a mustache for a day

I NEVER

+ like being late.

+ want to be childless

+ want to have regrets

+ want to loose sight of Him

+ want to grow old alone